sawmill creek

it’s 3pm on a thursday
i’m drinking sauvignon blanc courtesy of my friends at Sawmill Creek.
it’s about half an ikea tumbler full, just enough to make my insides twist
my head warm and fuzzy.

I understand that with out the bad
one can not enjoy the good
I understand that with out the sense of loss
one can not understand how lucky it is to have it all
I understand that when I fall
I must get back up
But I don’t want to.
Not with out you.

Should I sit here waiting for you to come home to me?
Should I find you and touch your skin again?
Remind you of the past good and erase present bad.

The smell of you leave my sheets now.
The scent of your skin no longer on my lips.
I suppose I was expecting this…
but not the hurt that comes along with it.

Should I sit here waiting for you to come home to me?
kiss me again
love me again
touch me again
Or was last night the goodbye.
If so
sorry baby
sorry baby
know that i will miss you


January 10, 2008. dating, love, men. 1 comment.

before i knew better

i have become one of those girls
that waits by the phone
hoping that he will call.

i have become one of those girls
that drinks vodka and coke
that waits by the phone
hoping that he will call.

i have become on of those girls
listening to sad love songs
that is drinks vodka and coke
that waits by the phone
hoping that he will call.

10 minutes to 11 pm
and I am waiting.
i hate the butterflies in my tummy
that flurry about when i think of him.
I hate my heart for falling for him
i hate my mind for failing to make me smarter, better and stronger.

so I have become one of those girls
waiting by the phone
hoping that he will call
hoping he will come over
and our fingers can touch again.

December 21, 2007. dating, love. 2 comments.


Tilly crawls in to my bed
and I am nervous as I wonder if she can see you in my sheets
or smell you on my pillows

She knows you well Seb
enough to sense your worry
enough to ask ‘How are things with him and you’

I can’t help but watch Tilly
counting gummy bears and flipping though my Vogue
I can tell she is watching me
looking for unfamiliar clothing
of boys unknown
looking for clues
that may lead to this relationships’ demise

She can’t read my mind
and its thoughts of D and dirty acts
She can’t hear my brain
as it whirs creating excuses and silly conversation
She can’t see my heart
ready to explode through my chest as I wait for you to walk through the door

So i cross my legs
sit on my floor
where we have spent many a night before
I smile and say
how happy i am
how lucky i am
to have you
and how lucky you are to be with me
Your ebony skin
red lip stained

December 14, 2007. C'est Moi, love, men. 1 comment.

i want you

my phone buzzes
sliding across my table.
it’s D again.
It’s been weeks, since I’ve seen him
touched him
heard from him.

I hold my breath, wanting the phone to stop.
I feel like he can see me, ignoring his call.
I sit nervous, so nervous.

Once the love was strong
Now it’s long, long gone
Cause the pain, came down like a storm
i remained holding on
Cause I want you, cause I want you
I want you, I want you

message recieved.
you’ve heard that i’ve been sick
my lungs refused to get fixed
‘I want to make you soup’ you say
‘I hope you feel better’ you say

Once the love was strong
Now it’s long, long gone
Cause the pain, came down like a storm
i remained holding on
Cause I want you, cause I want you
I want you, I want you

I lie here sick
my chest burns
my throat raw
my body heavy
but my heart

my heart is weak
my heart misses you
my heart is weak

I hate that i need you this much
I hate that i want you this much
so I lie
lie in bed
lie to Seb
lie to my self
and sleep
wanting you to disappear

December 10, 2007. love, memory, men. 1 comment.

quick quick

we have to be quick.

no time for pleasantries.
no time for sweet words.

You pull up my skirt and rip at my stockings.
I tug at your belt and free you from you jeans.

I stride you, kissing you hard.
Your tongue in my mouth, our bodies pressed hard against each other.
I buck harder and harder, pull at your hair.
Your fingers dig in to my skin.

biting fucking biting fucking biting fucking

I scream soundlessly, your groans vibrate through my skin.
collapse on the floor
sweaty messy sweaty messy and wet

November 15, 2007. love, men, sex. 2 comments.

night night

RL is in the next room.
As I type this.
The very next room
she is with D.
I can barely hear muffled conversation.

I press my ear against the door

We are at D’s place.
RL found us here
Thankfully not caught yet.
Or do I want to get caught.

Caught with D’s thigh between mine
pressed up against the wall
biting his lip
as I always do.

RL opens the door

“night night” she says.

With a wave she closes the door behind her.
We are safe
safe for another night.

D comes in now.


I am lying on my floor in superman boy shorts,
smoking a stale benson
as Seb flicks his tongue across my nipple.

“your skin is dark” he says

“dark as night?” I ask.

“dark as night.” he replies with a sharp suck and a teasing smile.

November 1, 2007. C'est Moi, dating, love, men, sex, Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

put you to bed

It comes in flashes
these sex haze memories.

I sit astride him
slowly griding my hips against him.

He breathes deep and heavy
as he enters me gently.

My lips hard on his
as I scream in to his mouth.

His eyes watching my body move, back arched
legs wide.

I tug at his shirt as we lie in the dark,
covering his chest in red kisses.

never breaking rythm
never breaking time
my way
your way
stroke suck kiss bite inhale exhale dirty sexy

up against the wall
legs wrapped tight around you
skin sore
ripped up by brick wall

He puts me to bed
slides up my body
He puts me to bed
wraps me in nothing but his love
He puts me to bed
He puts me to bed.

October 16, 2007. love, men, sex. 5 comments.

once again

Seb senses my distance,my worry, my weakness.
I wear guilt on my shoulder
and try to hide the pain trapped behind my eyes.
I focus on his touch instead, as his fingers roam.
Bury my head in the nape of his neck.
Taking his smell in.
he is good. he is good.
I must keep repeating it.
he is good.
he is good.

Rabba. Fresh fruit aisle.
Red leggings emerges carrying a green basket filled with milk and candy
and I watch her stunned.
She barely glances at me before I realise
RL is here with D.
Still together I see.
I try to disappear, unnoticed behind the tower of paper towels.
He spots me, steps out of the aisle to say hello and hug me
RL watches all this closely, trying to read the body language
and affection he shows me.

I sit on a bench now.
Church and Isabella
Eating strawberries that stain my lips and teeth
waiting for time to roll by
waiting for the fuzzy ache to subside.
Message Received- beeps my cell

tonight at 9. Love D.

October 15, 2007. C'est Moi, love. 2 comments.

my lipgloss is poppin

“I am not that kind of girl.” I whispered brushing my lips against his cheek.  I leaned in so close I could practically taste the mint gum he always loved to chew. Picking my rumpled vintage velvet purse off of the counter I dug about for my lip gloss a standard avoidance maneuver D could clearly read.  We knew each other well enough.
“And what kind of girl that?” He would ask, snapping his gum.
A sign of nervousness that I recognized clearly. I let the silence grow, I wanted him to feel more than the pricks and bites that tickled up and down his arms when I grabbed his fingers.  I wanted more than the standard lust/love reaction.
“The kind of girl that kisses a Boy-Face in public.” I shifted in my seat letting my knee brush his.
“Don’t kiss me then. I won’t mind.”

September 6, 2007. dating, love, memory. 1 comment.

always and forever

“I would like to think that you heart is mine.” He whispered.
Perhaps it was the alcohol messing with my brain
or the drugs skipping through my viens,
surely I wasn’t hearing him correctly.
“What?” I shouted, alarmed at the sound of my voice. Strained and hoarse.
“I would like to think that your heart belongs to be.” He repeated twice this time to be clear.
“Surely you must be joking.” I pushed Him aside and stepped over the kissing couple that gropped about on the floor underneath us. Surley He was joking.
I did not need this now. Not ever. Not again.
Pulling me away from the crowd, the white noise of music and careless chit chat fell away as we headed outside now.
“I want you back.I need you back.”
“I’m seeing someone. You know that.”
“I need you. I need you.”
“That’s always been the problem hasn’t it. You need me, I need you.”
“You admit it then.That you miss me.”
“Ofcourse I miss you. But I am more than fine with out you.”
“Do you love him? Seb?”
“I do.”
“Do you love me?”
I sat in silence afraid of my heart’s answer.
“I do. I will not lie, I do. I always will and I understand that I always will.”

Morning broke.
I lay in bed as Seb stirred in his sleep.
I wanted to wake him
make love to him,
make the fuzzy ache that sat in my chest go away forever.
I let him sleep,
watching his chest rise and fall.
I let him sleep,
thankful that morning had come.

September 6, 2007. dating, love. Leave a comment.

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